


It's Not Gay if You Do It For Pizza

by artificialheart, LittleRedWrites



Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: Crossdressing, Edgeplay, Hand Jobs, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Light Bondage, Lingerie, M/M, Masturbation, Masturbation in Shower, Multi, Oral Sex, Pizza, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Public Sex, Restraints, Shameless Smut, Shane Being an Asshole, Shower Sex, Skinny Dipping, Teasing, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2018-11-18 16:50:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11294739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artificialheart/pseuds/artificialheart, https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleRedWrites/pseuds/LittleRedWrites
Summary: Sam will do anything for for pizza... including Sebastian.





	1. Shane - Friends in All the Right Places

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Pizza Sluts](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7855015) by [AndeliaMaddock](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndeliaMaddock/pseuds/AndeliaMaddock). 
  * Inspired by [You Really Can Get Anything At JojaMart](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6355714) by [Darkina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darkina/pseuds/Darkina). 



> I'd like to apologize to CA, the Stardew fandom, and my parents, for creating such a filthy trash story. CA, if you're reading this, please don't go any further. You deserve better. 
> 
> All blame goes to [ artificialheart ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/artificialheart) because the concept for this was born out of a conversation we had.
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it!

It had been a shitty day.

It had started with a hangover, which wasn't unusual for Shane, but still wasn't a great way to start the day.

Then that weird farmer guy - whatever his name was - had accosted him on his way to work, and stood in front of him blabbering on for so long that Shane had practically had to run to get to work - and Shane did _not_ like running.

Work was always terrible, and it had been especially terrible that day. That stupid skater kid Sam with the fifty pounds of gel in his hair - seriously, he even kept spare hair gel in his locker - had knocked over a stack of cans that Shane had been putting away, and Morris had yelled at _him_ for it.

And then Sam's equally stupid friend Sebastian, the mopey emo kid who always wore black and looked way too impressed with himself, had come in and they had dicked around until Morris had told Sebastian to buy something or leave and then went to his back office to calm down. Shane was pretty sure he kept a bottle of whiskey back there - judging by the smell on his breath when he came by to bitch at Shane for not facing the canned artichokes properly.

He hated Morris as much as Sam did - if not more - but he was a real bitch when he was mad, and Shane had to deal with the temper tantrums.

He had tried to relax at the saloon after work and just drink his day away, but then the weird farmer guy showed up again and started pestering him. Trying to be friends or some dumb shit. Even worse, he tried to give Shane a gift - some piece of shit garbage quartz. What the fresh hell was Shane supposes to do with a shitty rock?

So he had given up and was walking back to the ranch with a pizza Gus had boxed up for him, half drunk and fully cranky.

"Duuuude. I smell pizza."

"You're imagining it, you fucking- oh. I smell it too."

Just what he wanted to see - the fucking dick-for-brains bros themselves, sprawled out under one of the trees on the dark path between the ranch and town.

"Shane!" It was haystack-head, waving wildly. "Is that a pizza?"

"No shit." He grunted, not stopping.

"Can we have a slice?"

Shane did stop then, staring at Sam in disbelief. Who the hell did he think he was? "Why the fuck would I give you any?"

"We'll pay you back." Sebastian said, flicking his hair to the side.

"Please, dude. Our moms are on some dumb fad diet and they even told Gus not to sell junk food to either of our families." Sam gave him a pleading look.

Fuck, they were annoying. As if he would do anything for them. All they ever did was fuck things up and make lame dick jokes.

Wait. He paused, an idea forming. A really terrible idea. "What will you do for it?

"Name your price, dude. I'm desperate." Sam said.

"You're an idiot, Sam." Seb groaned, but didn't disagree.

Should he do it? It was a bad idea. A really bad idea. But fuck it, he was drunk, and he wanted to humiliate these little jerks. Worst case scenario, he would at least manage to make them uncomfortable.

"Fine.” He said. “I'll give you each a piece, if you suck your buddy’s dick. Right here, in front of me.” He pointed at Sam.

"WHAT?" Sam exclaimed, going red. "Dude, I'm not gay!"

"Uh, yeah!" Sebastian agreed, looking flustered. "I'm like, totally straight, too. Definitely not gay."

Shane shrugged. "That's my offer."

They exchanged looks.

"I mean, it's not gay if you're just doing it to get pizza." Sebastian suggested. They were considering it? Yoba, they really were desperate to get some pizza.

"You're not the one that has to suck a dick, dude." Sam grumbled, but he didn’t seem totally opposed.

"We could trade? I guess?" Sebastian blushed. "Not that I want to but..."

"No trades." Shane interrupted. "Sam has to do it."

Sebastian hadn't been the one to knock over those cans, after all.

Sam glared at him then looked at the ground.

Shane pulled out a slice of pizza and began eating it, watching them.

"Duuude." Sam complained. "Okay, fine. But what if someone comes?"

"No one but Marnie and Shane live out here, and Marnie is probably in bed already." Sebastian seemed especially interested in getting that pizza.

Sam sighed. "I can't believe I'm agreeing with this. What do you want us to do, Shane?"

Shane grinned wickedly. This day was suddenly turning out very, very well.

"You stand up, emo kid. And you undo his pants."

It was dark out, but the path was illuminated well enough that it was easy to see that Sebastian was rocking a pretty big bulge in his pants already. Sam rolled over and crawled to his friend, taking his belt buckle in his hands.

"Take them off." Shane added, when Sam had finally finished struggling with the zipper.

Sam obeyed, pulling the black pants down to reveal black boxers ( _Wow, that’s predictable_ , Shane thought) and a very noticeable tent.

"Super not gay." Shane noted. "Okay, take it out."

Sebastian was blushing furiously.

Sam did so and held it loosely in his hand. It twitched, each movement making Sebastian look more embarrassed. "Now what?" Sam asked. "Sucking dicks isn't really something I do."

"It is now." Shane smirked. "Why don't you give it a lick?

Nervously, the blond licked across his friend’s length, earning a whimper from Sebastian. Shane's own erection twitched in his jeans.

"Now put it in your mouth." He told Sam, breathing getting a bit heavy. "Wrap your lips over your teeth."

Sam knelt over Sebastian and slowly put his mouth around the other boy's cock, then began to move his head without any further prompting, much to Shane’s surprise and delight.

Seb gasped, his hand finding its way to Sam's mountain of hair. "Fuck... fuck." He moaned.

Shane pulled out a second piece of pizza. It was good: Gus knew what he was doing. Spicy sausage, pepperoni and peppers. Shane had never expected to find such great pizza in the tiny small town he had ending up having to move to.

They were starting to get into it, Sam's head bobbing enthusiastically, Sebastian rhythmically gripping and releasing his hair, whimpering and moaning. For a pair of straight guys, they certainly seemed to be enjoying it.

Shane certainly was - he had no pretentions about being straight. He would be jerking off the minute he got home, for sure. Watching Sam being humiliated like this, sucking dick for a piece of pizza - that was pretty great. And they made a good show; even Sam was moaning as his friend pulled at his hair, the other hand grasping at the collar of his jacket.

He had expected something half-hearted, at best, but they weren’t holding back, Sam pushing down far enough to make himself gag and cough, Sebastian pressing himself forward.

He shifted position and Sebastian’s eyes snapped open at the sound, meeting his own. He looked shocked – clearly he had forgotten Shane was there at all. He didn’t seem to mind that much, though, because his eyes quickly widened and he groaned, “Sam, I’m gonna- I’m gonna-“

“Swallow it, Sam.” Shane grated, as Sebastian shuddered against the tree he was leaning on, gasping and moaning. Sam was shuddering too, swallowing desperately, until Sebastian whimpered and pushed him off.

Sam slumped down on the ground, breathing heavily, and Sebastian slid down beside him.

Definitely a show worth two pizza slices.

Shane briefly considered just leaving without giving them any; just to add to the humiliation. But he might get another opportunity like this someday, and it was better to leave that possibility open.

“Here.” He pulled two pieces out and flopped them into Sam’s lap. “Enjoy. You earned it.”

He grinned all the way back to the ranch. It wasn’t a bad day at all.

Sebastian and Sam sat on the ground for a while after Shane left, breathing heavily. Finally, Sam sat up and picked up the two pieces of pizza.

“Uh, here, dude.” He handed one to Sebastian, and took a bite of his own.

“Thanks.”

Silence, filled with the sound of chewing.

“I’m still straight, though.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

Another silence.

“Do you want me to… y’know, return the favour?”

“Maybe another time? I, um… I came already.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 1 by [LittleRedWrites](http://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleRedWrites)


	2. Haley - I Feel Pretty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haley coerces Sam and Sebastian into participating in a little 'clothing therapy' with some sweet, sweet pizza.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing, and one slightly nsfw illustration by [artificialheart](http://archiveofourown.org/users/artificialheart/works). <3

Haley rummaged through her dresser drawer, pulling out various articles of clothing, and discarding them in a pile beside her as she continued to search for the two garments she _knew_ had to be in there somewhere. Her room was already a mess of clothes; the result of another one of Emily’s ‘clothing therapy’ sessions, held in the great room in Pierre’s.

It had gone pretty well, for the most part. They’d had a much larger turn out than last time, and while that had brought some eager new participants, it had also brought Sam and Sebastian.

Their mothers must have pushed the two of them into going – in Robin and Sebastian’s case, quite literally – and instead of just sitting and quietly making fun of people, they had dicked around with the clothing while Emily was distracted. Emily was almost always distracted by something, so by the end of the session they’d amassed a rather large pile of clothing, which they’d tossed up into the rafters.

“Annoying, aren’t they?” Shane had leaned over to whisper in Haley’s ear, as she supervised Sam and Sebastian’s joint punishment of retrieving all the stuck clothing.

Haley had nodded, while she politely pretended not to notice the smell of beer on his breath.

“You know, they’ll do _anything_ for pizza,” he’d told her, with a conspiratorial grin in place of the usual frown he wore on his face. “They think they’re so clever, with their dumb dick jokes and their stupid pranks. They need to be taken down a notch, that’s all I’m saying.”

Haley wasn’t sure if Shane had told her this because he was Emily’s friend, or just because he was an asshole, but either way she’d been intrigued by his words. After the stunt they’d pulled at her sister’s therapy session Haley thought Sam and Sebastian deserved a little bit of humiliation.

She’d pulled the boys aside after they had removed the last of the clothing from the rafters, thanked them for their help. They’d looked suspicious, but relaxed considerably when she’d sympathized with them, agreeing that nobody really _needed_ to see Clint in a silky kimono and hot pink shorts, that she didn’t really blame them for finding another way to kill time. Sam had made a comment about how their moms had dragged them there, how they were ruining his life with their new fad diet that forbid pizza, and Sebastian hadn’t really said anything, but he’d nodded along. Haley, being the kind and generous soul that she was, had offered to meet them in the old community center with a fresh pizza from the saloon, as long as they agreed to try on at least one piece of clothing in private.

* * *

 An hour later she met them inside the worn down community center, a box of pizza in her hands, and her pink purse slung over one shoulder. “Follow me,” she directed, as Sam eyed the cardboard box.

Haley led them out of the main room, and into the kitchen area. She spotted a worn down table pushed against the far wall of the room, and walked over to it, setting the box of pizza down on top of it. She turned back to face the boys. “I brought something else for you,” Haley said, fingers toying with the strap of her purse. Sebastian nodded for her to continue, so she reached back into her bag, pulling out a handful of lacy fabric. Sam and Sebastian blinked.

“That’s… are those panties?” Sam asked, looking confused.

“Put them on,” Haley instructed, holding them out towards the boys. “Pink or black; I’ll let you pick.” Sam recoiled in horror.

“Dude, no!” Sam exclaimed. “We’re not wearing women’s underwear… we’re not gay! I sucked _one_ dick _one_ time, okay? I'm _completely_ straight otherwise. ”

“Yeah,” Sebastian agreed. “There’s no way in hell I’m wearing fucking _panties_.”

Haley pouted. “Why not? It’s not gay if you do it for pizza, right?”

“Shit, dude,” Sam said, looking at Sebastian, “she’s right.” He sighed, and reached for the pink wad of fabric without hesitation. Sebastian reluctantly took the black pair from her, unfolding the panties to inspect them. “Are these even going to fit?” Sam questioned, eyeing his own pair.

Haley smirked. “They’ll stretch.”

“Do we have to change here?” Sebastian asked, and as tempted as Haley was to make them strip on the spot, she figured she had a better chance of getting them to wear the panties if she let them change in private.

“Change wherever you’d like,” Haley said with a shrug. “Preferably, with each other.” Sam and Sebastian exchanged looks, then turned to leave the kitchen. “Just leave your clothes behind,” she called after them, as they retreated into the old craft room.

Haley took a seat on the edge of an old barrel as she waited for them to change. She could hear movement from the other room, followed by Sebastian saying “Dude, don’t _look_ at me.”

Completely straight, indeed.

Sam and Sebastian returned to the kitchen area about ten minutes later, wearing just the panties, and matching blushes. They came to a stop in front of her, Sam angling his hands to cover as much of himself as possible. Haley grinned. “Move your hands, Sam.”

He sighed, but let his hands drop to the side, revealing a hot pink pair of underwear with tiny lace detailing along the sides, and a little black bow stitched on the front.

“I look ridiculous,” Sam moaned. “This is so stupid.”

“At least yours aren’t fucking see-through, dude,” Sebastian grumbled. The panties he’d chosen were made entirely of black lace stitched in a floral pattern, and they were stretched so tight across his groin that it wasn’t hard to catch a glimpse of what was beneath the fabric.

 

* * *

 

* * *

Haley had never found either Sam or Sebastian particularly attractive (most likely because they were always doing stupid, immature things), but she had to admit – they weren’t too bad looking in women’s underwear. She briefly wondered what Sebastian would look like with eyeliner. Did she have some in her purse? She probably did.

“Now what?” Sam asked, interrupting her thoughts.

Haley considered her options. Sam seemed pretty insistent that he and Sebastian were straight, but the way he was looking at his friend out of the corner of his eye told a different story. “How about you give Sebastian a little smooch?" she suggested. "He looks very pretty in his panties, doesn’t he?” She grinned as Sam swallowed hard, looking flustered.  

“Fuck you,” Sam muttered to Haley. He glanced at Sebastian, who’d wrapped his arms around himself. “Come here, man, let’s just get this over with.”

Sebastian turned to face Sam, unfolding his arms. He bit his lip as he looked up at Sam, then tentatively leaned up and planted a kiss on his lips.

“What, no tongue?” Haley teased, as the Sam and Sebastian pulled apart. “Yoba, haven’t you guys ever heard of foreplay?” The two boys stared at each other, unmoving, and Haley sighed. “Look, I thought you guys wanted pizza.”

They moved then, Sam cupping Sebastian’s face in both hands, parting his lips, slipping his tongue into Sebastian’s mouth.

Sebastian kissed him back for a few minutes before he shifted his mouth, trailing down Sam’s jaw and kissing at his neck instead. Sam’s breathing stuttered as Sebastian began to suck at the skin, his hands stroking Sebastian’s hair, then sliding downwards, trailing down his back and slipping past the lacy waistband of the black panties. He gasped as Sebastian rocked forward, rubbing up against the bulge in Sam’s underwear.  

Sam whined, pulling away from Sebastian, hands tugging at the soft fabric of the panties that were nowhere near big enough to accommodate his growing erection.

Sebastian looked down. “Dude. Seriously?” he asked, as if he didn’t have a similar bulge straining against the thin fabric of his underwear.

“Can we take these off now?” Sam asked, ignoring Sebastian. “They’re too tight.”

Haley rolled her eyes. “I suppose you can take them off,” she agreed, then held hand up as Sam moved to pull the underwear off, “with your teeth,” Haley added. “Unless you’re not in the mood for pizza tonight.”

For a moment Sam looked confused, then a look of realization dawned on his face as he looked over at Sebastian. He dropped to his knees in front of his friend, then took the lacy black fabric between his teeth, hands gripping Sebastian’s thighs. Slowly, he tugged them downwards, until they pooled around Sebastian’s feet. Sam was now eye level with Sebastian’s cock, and his face was almost as pink as his panties as he stared back at it. He hesitated, and then leaned forward, licking the tip as Sebastian whimpered.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Haley snapped, folding her arms over her chest. “I never said you could do that.” Sam quickly pulled back.

“Don’t you want me to… you know…?” Sam trailed off, his face growing redder by the second.

As appealing as that would be to watch, Sam seemed a little _too_ eager. “No, I think you’ve done enough, don’t you agree? Maybe let Sebastian have a turn.” Haley smiled. Sebastian looked nervous. “Get off the floor,” she ordered, and Sam released his grip on Sebastian, scrambling to his feet. She noted with interest that there was now a small damp spot on the front of the fabric. “Strip. Now.”

Sam pushed the underwear off his hips, letting them fall to the floor, where he kicked them away. He looked back at Haley.

“Lean back against Sebastian,” she said. “Let him touch you.”

He stepped backwards, and Sebastian moved to take Sam in his hand, fingers curling around Sam’s cock, his free hand coming to rest against Sam’s hip. Slowly, Sebastian started to stroke Sam, tightening his grip on Sam’s hips as they bucked forward. Sam groaned, reaching behind him, grasping for Sebastian as he began to thrust into his hand.

Haley wished she’d thought to bring her camera; she always seemed to forget it at home whenever something breathtaking happened, like the glow of the jellyfish in the moonlight, or the sun glistening off the ice festival sculptures, or the way Sebastian’s slender hand fit perfectly around Sam’s swollen cock.

“Oh, fuck,” Sam moaned, pressing back against his friend as Sebastian swiped his thumb over the head.

Yoba, this had been a good idea. She should do something nice for Shane sometime, Haley mused, as she watched Sam grind against Sebastian.

They didn’t last much longer; Sam finished first, without warning, whimpering and moaning as he spilled into Sebastian’s hand. Sebastian followed a few seconds later, managing to gasp out “fuck, _Sam_ ,” before he came onto his friend’s back.

“Not bad,” Haley commented, as Sebastian turned bright red. “Here, why don’t you have a slice of pizza? You certainly earned it after all that _hard_ work.” She nodded towards the cardboard box sitting on the table.

Sebastian grimaced, looking down with distaste at the sticky liquid coating his palm. “Can I wash my hand first?”

“Forget about your hand, dude,” Sam groaned, “you came all over my back.”

“It’ll wash off,” Sebastian reassured him, rolling his eyes.

“With what? There’s no running water in here, idiot,” Sam retorted, gesturing around the empty kitchen. “This place is a fucking dump.”

“Not my problem,” Haley said, as she hopped off her barrel. She smirked at the boys, giving them a small wave of her fingers before leaving the kitchen area. “Try using the panties to clean up,” she called over her shoulder. “They’re yours to keep.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I'm using my fucking art degree to draw Stardew Valley dudes in panties. @[LittleRedWrites](http://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleRedWrites/pseuds/LittleRedWrites) is a fucking enabler; please blame her for this trash.


	3. Emily - Let's Talk About Sex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily invites Sam and Sebastian to have a healthy conversation about bedroom activities. Or community centre activities. Or outside, at night, underneath-a-tree activities.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The thrilling third chapter of this series is actually by LittleRedWrites, but I'm posting it for her, because updating your trash fanfiction at work is generally frowned upon.

“So… I was talking to Haley at breakfast this morning, and you would not believe what she told me.”

“Oh? What did she say?”

Emily laughed at the excitement in her girlfriend’s voice. “Sandy, you love gossip far too much.”

Sandy snorted. “As if you’re one to talk, darling. So what did little Haley have to say?”

Emily giggled and leaned back on the couch. “Okay, so you remember my last clothing therapy session? The one at Pierre’s?”

“Of course! As if I could ever forget Caroline looking like a damn fox in that little silver dress. Yoba, what a woman. Pierre looked like his eyes would pop right out. I’m sure I was no better – why, if they weren’t monogamous, I would have proposed on the spot. Proposed a threesome, that is. And then there was Demetrius in those teeny little shorts. I mean, he’s a handsome enough man, but… Yoba, no man should wear daisy dukes with a Hawaiian shirt. And long socks! With sandals! It was an offense to fashion! A dastardly transgression! An aesthetic crime scene!”

“Sandy, really. Clothing therapy is supposed to be a judgement-free place.”

“Sorry, sorry. Go on. The clothing therapy, where many people wore lovely outfits that helped them express themselves. Except those little boys… what were their names, again? The ones that wouldn’t behave.”

“Sam and Sebastian. And that’s what Haley told me about. Apparently she wasn’t too impressed with their behavior either, so she decided to take things into her own hands and do some private clothing therapy, with a little lesson in humiliation on the side.”

“Oh, Yoba.” Sandy breathed. “That sounds amazing. Please tell me everything.”

Emily grinned. “Oh, I will. And then I’m going to need some help from you, because I think those boys might need another little lesson.”

“I am so in, girl.”

“Okay… so apparently Sam and Sebastian will do _anything_ for pizza right now…”

* * *

The mayor was really too kind of lend her his house while he was out of town, Emily thought. And her story about needing some space from Haley wasn’t exactly untrue – she did need some space from Haley tonight specifically.

She sat at the little table. It was 6:32, and she had told Sam and Sebastian to be there 6:30. While they weren’t usually known for their timeliness, she suspected they probably wouldn’t be late to the top secret pizza party they thought they were attending.

Which wasn’t exactly an untrue story, either. There would be pizza.

There was a tentative knock at the door, and she hopped up and opened it. “Sam! Seb! Come on in.”

The boys entered, both nervously looking around. “So… we’re the first here, eh?” Sam said. “Who else is coming?”

Emily closed the door behind them and carefully positioned herself between them and the pizza. “No one else, it’s just us. I wanted to talk to you two.”

They exchanged a glance. “What do you want to talk about?” Sebastian asked suspiciously.

“Pizza. I hear you boys have been getting up to some shenanigans lately in order to get a fix.” Emily grinned.

Sam gulped and Sebastian looked belligerent. “Yoba, did Shane tell the whole town?” he exclaimed.

Sam didn’t say anything, but clasped his hands in front of him in a gesture that was probably meant to hide his growing erection, but only managed to draw Emily’s attention to it.

“Shane didn’t tell me about anything, but I did ask Haley where she went last week with that pizza she ordered from the saloon – what with the diet she’s on and all.”

Both boys blushed bright red.

“Anyways, to the point.” Emily patted the pizza box. “I’ve got some activities for you to do…”

Sam started to loosen his belt buckle.

“A quiz!” She brandished two sheets of paper. “You’ll each get a slice of pizza for completing it.”

They stared.

“Here, Sam, you sit at the table, and Sebby, you can do it at the counter. No looking at each other’s answers!” Emily beamed. “Oh, and pens!”

“A quiz… for a piece of pizza?” Sebastian asked, confused.

“Yeah, that’s a lot to ask for in exchange for a piece of pizza!” Sam exclaimed.

“It’ll take less than five minutes, I promise. Just do it.”

Sam looked at his paper. “What kind of questions are these?” He exclaimed, going red.

“Important ones. Do it, Sam.” Emily put her hands on her hips and glared at him.

Sam started writing.

They waited impatiently as she gathered up their papers and looked them over. The answers were mostly as expected… mostly.

Well, if that was their kink, she wasn’t one to judge. It did give her an idea, though. Maybe she would take this conversation a little bit further than originally planned.

Sandy would enjoy the story, after all.

“Okay! So welcome to today’s activity… having healthy conversation about sex… for pizza!” Emily announced. “Sexual activity quizzes are a fun way to initiate a conversation with your partner about bedroom activities. Or community centre activities, as the case may be.” Emily winked at Sam and he blushed.

“If you both consent, I’ll show you each other’s answers. And then we can have some pizza!”

“Yeah!” Sam exclaimed.

“Um, okay.” Sebastian added.

She handed them each other’s answer sheets.

“What the hell, you’d suck me off for pizza, dude?” Sam demanded.

“Um, you said the same thing, Sam.” Sebastian replied. “And you did suck me off for pizza!”

“Oh. Right.” Sam blushed again.

“Here, I’ve got your pizza!” Emily pulled out two slices. “I got it made half and half so you could each have your favourite. Meat lovers, for Sam, and Hawaiian, for Sebastian!”

“I think you mixed  us up," Sebastian told her. "I hate pineapple on pizza."

“Yeah, that’s my favourite!” Sam agreed. “It’s okay Seb, we’ll just trade.”

“Nuh uh uh!” Emily pulled the plates back. “Not so fast, boys. You can only trade your pizza slices with each other in exchange for services.” She grinned.

“Services? Like I’ll trade Seb’s piece for mowing his lawn or something?” Sam asked, confused.

Sebastian’s eyes widened. “No, Sam, like… _services_. Like the things from the quiz.”

“Oh. OH.”

“It’s okay, though, they don’t have to be anything crazy. Like, we could just kiss each other or something, right?” Sebastian asked Emily.

“Of course! Whatever you want to do.” Emily nodded.

“Pfft. Fuck that, I’m getting my dick sucked!” Sam exclaimed. “It’s only fair, I had to suck you off!”

“What? I got you off in the community centre, though!”

“You got off too! All over my back!”

“You came in your pants when you sucked me off the first time! So we’re even anyways.”

Emily carefully kept a straight face. “Er, boys,” she interrupted, “You do also each have four slices… don’t forget that. So you each can ask the other person for four services that they are comfortable with and consent to. Anyways… who wants to go first?”

“Me!” Sam exclaimed. “Time to work that mouth, Sebby.”

Sebastian chewed on his lip. “Okay, sure. I’ll do it.” He said finally. “But… I get to tie your wrists to a chair while I do it.”

Sam hesitated.

“Only if you want to, remember Sam.” Emily interjected. “It’s all about consent!”

“Will it hurt?” Sam asked.

“I’ll be nice and gentle.” Sebastian promised.

“Well, okay then. Um… thinking of stuff to make you do is hard. I guess swallow it when I cum?”

Sebastian made a face. “I hear that tastes gross.”

“It’s not that bad. I did it for you, remember?” Sam pointed out.

Haley hadn’t mentioned a blowjob, either. What else had these two been up to? Haley had mentioned that Shane had told her about the pizza trick… maybe Emily would have to do some sleuthing.

For Sandy’s sake, of course. Because Sandy did love a good story.

“Okay, I’ll swallow.” Sebastian agreed. “You gotta get totally naked though.”

“Okay!” Sam grinned. “And so do you!”

“I-“ Sebastian blushed. “I mean, I’m not that hot, dude-“

“Pfft.” Sam interrupted him. “You’re super hot, man. And I never get to see you without that big hoodie on!”

Sebastian sighed. “Okay, I guess. But then, for my third one… after I get you off, I get to jerk off into your super Saiyan hair, Goku.”

“Don’t call me Goku man, it’s not- wait, what?”

“You heard me.” Sebastian grinned. “And you have to walk home like that.”

Sam blushed bright red and adjusted his pants slightly. “…Fine. Okay. I don’t know what else to ask you for, though.”

“Why don’t you save your last two? Maybe something will come up. After all, it’s important to have healthy conversation before _and_ during sex.” Emily suggested.

“That sounds good to me.” Sebastian shrugged. “Come on, skater boy. Take your clothes off.”

“You gotta take yours off too, remember?” Sam reminded him. “And… could you look away while I’m changing?”

“Changing into what? Your birthday suit?” Sebastian turned around anyway though, facing towards Lewis’s bedroom as he started to pull his shirt over his head. Emily politely turned to face a wall as well.

“My birthday suit? What do you mean? I’m getting naked, dude. And what the heck is a birthday suit, anyways?”

Sebastian sighed. “Nevermind, Sam.”

There was silence for a few minutes, filled with the rustling and unzipping of clothing being removed, and then Sam’s voice announced, “Okay, you can look now.”

Emily turned around, opened her eyes, and barely managed to keep from falling over.

Haley hadn’t mentioned THAT, either.

Emily had seen a few dicks in her time. She had never been afraid to experiment, so long as it was safe, sane, and consensual.  And every now and then she and Sandy went to the sex clubs in Zuzu, though they found they preferred to just watch these days rather than get in the middle of things.

She had a pretty good frame of reference regarding dick size, and this was…

Well, she would feel sorry for any girl on the receiving end of that monster, to say the least. She made a mental note to buy the boys some lubricant. They would need it.

Sebastian turned around as well, one hand attempting to cover his more modestly sized equipment. Sam grinned at him and whistled.

Sebastian blushed. “Dude, seriously.”

“What? You look good!” Sam exclaimed. “Hey, I didn’t realize your red hair goes all the way down! Doesn’t it sting to dye the hair on your crotch? You’re brave, man.”

Sebastian blushed hotter. “Nevermind, dude. Um, Emily… does Lewis have any rope? I didn’t think this far.”

Emily dug in her purse. “Well, I wasn’t expecting you two to need this, but it’s always better to try to be prepared. Here.” She tossed him a roll of bondage tape. “It just sticks to itself. Miracle stuff, really. Can’t recommend it enough.”

“Er… thanks.” Sebastian caught the tape with the hand not currently preserving his dignity. “I guess… pick a chair, Sam.”

Sam picked up his shirt and spread it across one of the chairs. “Here, I guess.” He sat on it, looking a nervous.

“What’s with the shirt?” Sebastian asked, frowning. “Also, put your arms together behind you.”

“I don’t want to sit somewhere where Lewis’s gross old man balls have been.” Sam explained. He crossed his wrists behind the chair’s back, blushing as he did. “You want my arms like this?”

“Perfect. Also, gross, I don’t want to think about Lewis’s gross old man balls.” Sebastian kneeled behind Sam and started taping around his wrists.

The talk of Lewis’s gross old man balls hadn’t put a dent in either of their boners, Emily noted. Still, yuck. She hadn’t wanted to think about that either.

“Is this supposed to be so tight?” Sam complained, twisting his wrists.

“Oh, sorry. I’ll fix it.” Sebastian adjusted the tape. “How’s that?”

“Great. I mean, uh, fine.”

“Okay, cool.” Sebastian stood up and walked around the chair. He stood over Sam for a moment, looking him over.

Sam met his eyes and they both turned pink.

“Well, I guess, uh, yeah.” Sebastian swallowed. He leaned over the other boy and kissed him, Sam eagerly tipping his head up to reach his lips, then slowly lowered to his knees and took Sam’s cock in one hand.

Sam whimpered and pushed forward on the chair.

Sebastian gave it a long, slow lick – he was either pretty experienced, Emily mused, or he watched a lot of porn… probably the latter – then gave it a long look. “I don’t know how the hell I’m supposed to fit your giant dick in my mouth.” He complained.

“My giant dick?” Sam looked confused. “Is it big?”

“Dude.” Sebastian looked at him incredulously. “How do you not know this?”  

Sam shrugged. “I mean, I just thought that was the normal size? I saw my dad’s once and it’s pretty much the same.”

Emily filed that information away for future reference.

Sebastian stroked Sam, frowning up at him. “If you thought it was the normal size, what did you think mine was, then?”

“I dunno… I didn’t really think about it. I like yours, it’s a good size. If were to have sex with a dude, which I wouldn’t because I’m totally straight, I’d want him to have a dick like yours.”

Emily managed to refrain from mentioning that Sam was currently having sex with a dude.

Sam’s response seemed to satisfy Sebastian, as instead of responding he licked Sam again and then wrapped his mouth around him. Judging by Sam’s face, he was pretty satisfied as well. Despite Sebastian’s (totally valid) complaints, he seemed to have no difficulty.

Maybe he had been practicing. Man, these boys were DEFINITELY not straight.

Sam’s girth was impressive, but his endurance wasn’t. Not that Emily could blame him; Sebastian’s skills would fit well in a porno. Did the boy have no gag reflex? It was only minutes after Sebastian started that Sam’s quiet whimpers turned into urgent cries.

Sebby, Sebby, fuck, Sebby, Sebbyfuck.” He groaned. Sebastian swallowed without any prompting, finally pulling off of Sam and grinning at the dazed boy.

Emily would be willing to wager that there was going to be a lot more head in Sam’s future.

Sebastian dragged a long finger along Sam’s length, making the blond moan and twitch in his chair, then stood over him, the other hand working expertly on himself. He ran his hand through Sam’s hair – a gentle, almost loving gesture – then grabbed a handful in the back and roughly pulled Sam in for a second, passionate kiss, moaning into his mouth.

He straddled the larger boy, pale thin legs pressing against Sam’s lanky tanned limbs, pushing against him and moaning with increasing excitement into his mouth, until he pulled off and stood, not a moment too late, to send thick globs of cum directly into Sam’s wildly spiked hair.

Sebastian collapsed against him, sliding down to sit directly on Sam’s lap, arms wrapped around his neck. They panted together for a minute, faces red, Sam gently resting a cheek against Sebastian’s hair.

Oh, young love. Emily wished she had a camera – if there was ever a Kodak moment, this was it. There was cum sliding down the side of Sam’s head towards his ear, but he didn’t seem to notice or care.  

New relationships were always so exciting. She was sure they’d be finding their way past this whole “not gay” nonsense soon – though hopefully they eventually learned to have sex without pizza, or Sebastian wouldn’t stay skinny for long.


	4. Alex - Nice Guys Finish Last

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three guys. One shower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day, pervs! <3

The first thing Alex noticed when he walked into the men’s change room was the open box of pizza, just chilling on a bench in front of the locker area. It wasn’t the worst thing Alex had ever seen in the spa, but it was still pretty fucking weird.

He stared at the box for a few seconds, trying to figure out why someone would bring an entire pizza into the spa; Alex thought it was pretty counterproductive to bring junk food to a work out. Maybe someone had left it for Linus? Alex had seen him digging around in his grandparents’ trash can before; locker room pizza was probably a step up from that.

Alex decided it was best to ignore the pizza – he certainly didn’t want any. He walked over to his locker, fiddling with the combination for a few seconds. It was then that he registered someone else was in the change room with him – he could hear the shower running. Maybe they’d brought the pizza? Or maybe the shower was broken, that happened sometimes. He stripped down to just a pair of gym shorts, tossing the rest of his clothes in his locker. His eyes lingered on the muscle man posters decorating his locker door. Alex had put them there to remind himself of his goals; there definitely wasn’t anything gay about admiring other men’s physiques if you were just using them as inspiration for your own.

He shut his locker, and secured it, eyeing the open box of pizza one last time before he headed towards the gym equipment at the back of the change room. Alex paused just outside the entrance of the showers, catching a glimpse of movement inside.

It wasn’t gay to peek into the men’s showers if you just wanted to see who was using them, right?

He spotted a mountain of blonde hair – Sam. Except… there was a pair of pale arms wrapped around him, one hand tracing down Sam’s spine, one squeezing his ass. They had to belong to Sebastian – no other guy in Pelican Town was as pasty as he was.

Alex’s curiosity was satisfied – he’d figured out who was using the showers, which meant that he could move on to his work out, right? He could, except he was rooted to the spot, eyes fixated on the two men in front of him. One of them – Sebastian, he guessed – moaned, and he felt his face flush.

What the fuck was he doing, watching two guys make out in the showers?

He should turn around and leave. Walk over to the weight bench, and just pretend he never saw this. Instead, he stepped into the showers, craning his neck to get a better look.

Alex realized then that they weren’t just kissing – Sam’s hand was wrapped around both their cocks, stroking them together. Alex had never noticed how large Sam’s hands were before. He wondered what they would feel like wrapped around his dick.

Oh, Yoba. That was a really gay thing to think.

He was starting to get hard, and he was afraid of being caught by Sam, Sebastian, or worse – someone else – so Alex decided it was time to go. His sneaker squeaked against the wet tiles of the shower as he turned to leave, and he swore under his breath.

“Dude, what the _fuck_?”

“Were you fucking watching us? What the fuck!”

Alex swallowed hard, then slowly turned around to face Sam and Sebastian again. He didn’t want to make eye contact with them, so he looked down.

That was a mistake.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Sebastian demanded, as Alex quickly averted his eyes somewhere else. “What the hell are you doing in here?”

He looked up again, scowling back at Sebastian. “Look, I’m not the one fucking another guy in the shower. What the hell were _you_ doing?”

“Well,” Sam began, “we were gonna hotbox the locker room, but we kind of forgot the weed, and Sebastian can’t swim, so we thought why not have some fun in the showers instead? It’s not gay if you do it for pizza!”

“Um, yes it is,” Alex argued. Sam’s logic didn’t make any sense, but it did explain why there was a box of pizza sitting in the locker room, at least.

“We’re not gay, and we’ll prove it,” Sam said. He looks at Sebastian. “Um, how are we going to prove it?”

“We could play icky cookie,” Sebastian suggested. “But with, like, pizza. Unless jockstrap here has some secret cookies stashed in his locker.”

“Seb, _no_ ,” Sam replied, looking horrified. “That’s a crime against pizza.”

“Well I definitely don’t have any cookies in my locker,” Alex interjected quickly. “Unlike you, _I_ actually come here to work out.” Sebastian rolled his eyes.

Sam sighed, looking oddly disappointed. “I guess we can’t play, then.”

“No, here’s what we’ll do – we’ll change the rules,” Sebastian reassured Sam, who nodded in reply. He then turned his attention to Alex. “You know how to play icky cookie?” Sebastian asked with a smirk.

Alex scrunched his nose. “No,” he said, “it sounds disgusting.”

“It is,” Sebastian replied. “Okay, so first we all get in a circle – this is fine, I guess – and then we all take our dicks out.” He paused, giving Alex an expectant look.

“Wait, you mean right _now_?” Alex asked, feeling his face grow warm.

“Come on, dude. Don’t be a pussy,” Sam said. “Seb and I are already naked; it’s only fair.”

He wouldn’t exactly call it fair – Sam was packing some serious heat. It was literally the largest dick Alex had ever seen in his life, and he’d spent four years of high school surrounded by dicks in the locker room every day after school. At least Sebastian’s looked to be about the same size as Alex… although he definitely hadn’t expected to see red hair. Who knew Sebastian was naturally a ginger?

Alex hesitated, and then reached inside his gym shorts, pulling his cock out. He glanced between the other boys. Were they expecting him to take his shorts off, too? He already felt exposed enough with just his dick out.

“Shorts too,” Sebastian decided.

He pushed at the waistband of his shorts, kicking them out of the showers once they fell to the floor. Alex paused, and then bent down to rid himself of his socks and sneakers, too; he’d look absolutely ridiculous standing there in just his shoes and socks with his cock out.

Now that Alex was completely naked, Sebastian continued with his explanation of the rules. “Okay, so when I say ‘go’, we all start jacking off, and then whoever comes last – or doesn’t come at all – loses. And normally the loser has to eat the cum-covered cookie, or whatever, but since we can’t use food… loser has to lick their own cum.”

“And they don’t get any pizza,” Sam added.

Alex didn’t actually _want_ any of their pizza – he was on a strict diet – but he also _really_ didn’t want to taste his own cum. That’d be pretty gay, and the whole point of the game was to prove that he wasn’t gay. Somehow. Alex didn’t quite understand how jacking off with two dudes proved he wasn’t gay. He wasn’t going to question it, though.

“Okay, ready? Sebastian asked, addressing Sam rather than Alex.

“Wait, hang on,” Sam said, bending down to pick up a bottle of what Alex had assumed was shampoo. “Do you want more lube?”

“Um, could I have some?” Alex asked.

Sebastian frowns, taking the bottle from Sam. “No, this is ours. You should have brought your own.” He helped himself to some of the lube, and then set the bottle down.

“We got it from Emily,” Sam added cheerfully. “Maybe you could ask her next time? She says lube is really important. And this one is water resistant!”

Sebastian nudged Sam. “Dude, shut up. Don’t help him out.” Sam mumbled an apology. “It’s okay man, we got this,” Sebastian told him, giving Sam’s ass an affectionate squeeze. “You ready?”

Sam nodded, and then Sebastian turned back to Alex.

“Uh, yeah,” Alex said, “I guess I’m ready, too.” He was still hard, but so were Sam and Sebastian, so it didn’t really give him much of an advantage. Actually, he was at a _dis_ advantage, because they’d gotten a head start in the shower. Alex wondered if he should bring that up.

“Go!” Sebastian declared, before Alex could say anything.

Alex shut his eyes as he began to stroke himself, trying to imagine that he was anywhere but a smelly, damp shower room, standing in front of two dudes that were also jerking off. Alex needed something good to picture. His stupid, traitorous brain helpfully supplied him with the scene he’d just witnessed in the showers.

Fuck. He needed to stop thinking about that.

Alex tried thinking about other things, like Haley in her bikini, or the time he walked in on Emily making out with Sandy. It wasn’t gay to like two girls kissing, was it? It was definitely less gay than thinking about two guys kissing, so Alex focused on that. 

Well, he tried to, anyways. Sam was moaning in front of him, and it was kind of distracting. Once or twice Alex even heard him moan Sebastian’s name. What the hell was up with that? Were they jerking each other off again? Alex quickly opened his eyes, just to make sure they weren’t cheating; good sportsmanship had always been important to him.

“Oh, fuck,” Sam groaned, as Alex looked over at him, just in time to see Sam finish.

“Looks like you lost, Jockstrap,” Sebastian said, smirking at Alex. He hadn’t even realized that Sebastian had already finished. “Guess you aren’t so straight after all, huh?”

“Alex lost?” Sam asked, with a look of excitement. “Sebby! He turned to Sebastian, pulling his best friend into a hug. “We won! That means we’re definitely not gay!” Sam grinned down at Sebastian, and then kissed him, moaning again as Sebastian reached up and grabbed a fistful of blonde hair.

Alex stared; mystified by the level of dumbness he’d just witnessed.

Somehow, they’d decided he was the gay one. Alex, who hadn’t been jerking his male best friend off in a public shower, or challenging other guys to jerk off competitions, or kissing another dude in celebration. Okay, maybe he’d done that last one before, after a big win at one of his gridball games, but no one had seen him do it.

Sam and Sebastian seemed pretty distracted, so Alex took the opportunity to fetch his clothes, and pull them back on. Maybe he could slip out without them even noticing? He retreated back to the showers for one last peek.

They were still kissing enthusiastically, so Alex turned around, walked out of the showers, and then out of the spa. The amount of mental gymnastics he’d need to do to figure out what the hell just happened would be enough of a work out for today.


	5. Leah - Stop! In the Name of Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In pursuit of the perfect present for Sandy, Leah dabbles in the art of gay porn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? Arising from the dead, a long, long, long, long overdue update? 
> 
> This update was supposed to be my (littlered) chapter, but in the end artificialheart saved the day by a) kicking my ass in to gear and b) co-writing it with me. All hail artificialheart. 
> 
> Enjoy!!! <3 <3

The Cindersap forest was full of life and beauty. Birdsong filled the air, accompanied by the soft rustle of leaves in the wind. Squirrels dashed between green trees and hoarded treasures. Flowers peeked through the underbrush, bright little faces turned towards the sun. Any other day, Leah would be watching all of it, soaking up the beauty of her surroundings. The forest was special to her, and she loved every moment in it.

  
Well, usually. Today she walked with a frown on her face, hardly even seeing her own boots below her. She’d had a perfect idea last night – well, almost perfect. It would be perfect if she could just find a way to carry it out.

  
Leah had never been big on television. She didn’t have one of her own in her cottage – there had been one in her apartment with Kel, but she never used it. Kel liked to watch it in the evenings, but Leah would usually leave the room and immerse herself back in her work.

  
Still, it was nice to have some activity to do together after sex, and she found she didn’t mind watching television at all when she did it with Emily and Sandy cuddled up next to her.

After that, it didn’t take long to figure out just why people spent so much time in front of screens, and Leah found herself in the awkward position of asking if she could come over not for sex, but to binge watch Shadehunters instead. Even Elliott got pulled in, and the four friends (and sometimes lovers) found themselves dedicating Thursday nights for Shadehunter time.

Of course, as tends to happen, things escalated.

It started off small, with Emily showing them a piece of fanart someone had posted on a website she frequented. Fanart led them to fanfiction, and they quickly found themselves spending half their Thursdays reading smut and laughing at terrible anatomy descriptions together. (Elliott bowed out at that point; he couldn’t handle the bad writing). Soon, Sandy was writing her own fanfiction for the girls, and last week her Malex smut story on Fanfiction.sdv had hit five hundred reviews. Leah had gone home that night with the most perfect idea ever for Sandy’s upcoming birthday present: fanart! After all, every author appreciates fanart for their stories.

All she needed to do, Leah mused, was figure out how to get some references for a painting of two naked boys together. Preferably two boys who would fit the dimensions of the show’s leads, Alex Hardwood and Magnum Bone. She definitely couldn’t ask Emily or Sandy, because that would ruin the surprise. And she couldn’t exactly ask anyone else to help her find gay porn...

Really, it was just too frustrating.

Leah sighed as she approached the lake, her special sanctuary. Well, she wouldn’t be solving this tonight. Maybe she would just go for a quick swim, and then head home.

She stepped onto the dock, enjoying the creak of the old wood under her boots, and the gentle sound of water lapping at the shores, followed by a sudden shout. Leah paused, frowning. There were people in the lake. In HER lake.

And being real obnoxious little twats in it, too.

She squinted at the water. There were two heads bobbing in and out of the water; one with long black hair, and one with blonde hair that was inexplicably sticking up despite being wet. Ugh. It was Sam and Sebastian. They were always in places they shouldn’t be, being annoying.

“Fuck off, dude!” Sam shouted, laughing, as Sebastian chased him and splashed him.

“You fuck off!” Sebastian shouted back, despite being only five feet apart from his friend.

“Hey! Stop yelling!” Leah yelled angrily. “People live here, you know!” She stomped down the rest of pier. “You could at least try to be considerate of- excuse me, what is THIS?”

A pizza. A pizza, on her pier.

(Technically it was also Shane’s pier, but they had a strict schedule, okay, and he never infringed on her daylight time at the lake and he usually remembered to bring his empty beer cans home with him).

Wait, no, worse – was that a crust in the water? Oh no. Oh, fuck no.

“Get out,” Leah hissed angrily, hand on her hips.

“We can’t!” Sam exclaimed, blushing furiously. “Please don’t!”

“Yeah, and you’re not the boss of this lake, man,” Sebastian added, folding his arms over his chest as he gave her a defiant look. “It’s a free lake.”

She picked up the pizza, and shook the box threateningly. “Get out, or I drop this whole thing in the lake.”

Sebastian’s look of defiance turned into one of discomfort. “Look, we really can’t,” he protested.

Sam sighed. “I don’t think we really have a choice, Sebby.”

“Well, she asked for it, I guess,” Sebastian agreed, and the two headed for the shore.

“You bet I did- oh.” Leah felt a blush creeping up her face. It had been a while since she had seen one of those.

“Happy?” Sebastian demanded, covering himself with his arms. Sam seemed to suffer no such shyness, letting himself flap in the proverbial wind.

“Yes,” Leah replied, smirking. “Cold in the water, eh boys?”

“Shut up.” Sebastian flushed angrily.

Sam looked back and forth between them, confused. “Not really? It’s pretty nice.”

“Well, now you boys have had your fun, you can-“ Leah paused, grinning as an idea came to her. “You can follow me. Grab your clothes, I’m going to need you two to come to my cabin.”

“Aw, man,” Sam complained, as they scrambled to grab their clothes. “I thought we could just have the pizza this time without anyone else watching.”

Leah strode along the edge of the water back towards her cabin, and they followed, grumbling. It was perfect. Just what she needed; one tall naked boy, and one shorter naked boy. Sandy would be so pleased.

“Try not to drip on the floor,” Leah ordered the boys as they entered her small cabin.

“How?” Sebastian complained. “You didn’t even let us dry off!”

Leah sighed, and crossed to her dresser. “Here.” She tossed a towel to them.

Sam caught it with one hand and handed it to Sebastian. “Here, Sebby, you look cold.”

“I am.” Sebastian glared at Leah. “Can we get a second towel?”

“No.” Leah shrugged and put the pizza on her counter. It smelled like cheese and greasiness. Ew. “Both of you get dry, then come over here.”

Now to get the pose right. It had to be something easy, since those two dweebs probably couldn’t stand still for very long. Laying would probably be better, which meant…

She sighed again, and pulled a sheet out of the drawer. The sacrifices she made for her friends, really. “Okay, boys,” Leah said, spreading the sheet over her bed. “I need you two to lay here. Sam first – lay on your back there. And Sebastian, you go next to him… no, closer. Closer. Cuddle him, you walnut.”

“Um, this seems kind of gay,” Sam complained, blushing.

“That’s the point, you-“ Leah cut off as something caught her eye and stared, gaping. “Holy shit.”

“What?” Sam asked.

“I know.” Sebastian sighed.

Yoba, if she used that thing as a size reference, Emily and Sandy would accuse her of exaggerating proportions. “Talk about a grower… geez.” Leah dragged her eyes away. “Sebastian, lay on your side a bit more, facing Sam. Yeah, like that. And, uh, then put your hand around… er, as far around as it will fit…”

“This seems really gay, Leah,” Sam repeated. “Like, super gay. We aren’t even eating pizza?”

She blinked at him, confused.

“It’s okay, man,” Sebastian told him soothingly, rubbing his hand up Sam’s shaft and over his head, before gently gripping the base of Sam’s erect cock. “We’re doing it so Leah will give back our pizza, remember?”

“I guess,” Sam agreed, “as long as it isn’t gay.”

Leah decided not to comment on that. “Sebastian, can you lean your head on his shoulder and look up at him? That’s perfect. Okay, comfy, boys?”

“Comfy,” Sebastian confirmed, nuzzling at Sam’s neck.

“Okay, great. Ah… shit.” She had forgotten to set up her paints. “Just uh… stay there.”

She pulled her easel over in front of the bed and leaned a canvas on the board. And… paint. Where had she put her acrylics? Shit.

Five minutes later, she finally found the box tucked under some clay molding supplies from an abandoned project. “Okay boys,” Leah announced, returning to her easel. “Time to get- hey!”

Sebastian froze mid-pump and the two red-faced boys stared guiltily at her. “Uh, sorry.”

“You’re here to pose, not jerk each other off!”

“I wasn’t doing anything…” Sam protested.

“Dude, shut up. You’re the one that wouldn’t stop humping my hand.”

“It was on my dick! What was I supposed to do?”

“You’re supposed to stay still, you pinecone,” Leah told him. “No sex on my bed!”

Sam sighed. “I’m not a pinecone…”

Leah rolled her eyes. “Look, you boys need to lay still, or you aren’t getting your damn pizza back.

“We need that, though!” Sam exclaimed. “Or else we can’t, uh…”

“It’s gay if it isn’t for pizza.” Sebastian explained.

Yoba, she knew these two weren’t especially bright, but this took the cake. Or pie, as it was.  
“So nothing is gay if you do it for pizza?” Leah asked, leaning back.

“Exactly,” Sam nodded earnestly. “Everyone knows that.”

Who knew she could have avoided years of homophobia from her parents if she had just liked pizza more? Yoba. Leah sighed, and massaged her temples. “Seb, please just put your hand back on the base of Sam’s dick.”

Sam whimpered, but said nothing as Sebastian slid his hand back down.

Leah squeezed out her paints and started mixing flesh tones. Sam would work perfectly for Alex Hardwood; his proportions were just right. Including his dick, if the name was any indication of what the character was packing. Leah snorted, and snuck another glance at the naked man.

“HEY! What did I just say? Sam, put your hand back!”

Sam froze, his hand wrapped over Sebastian’s smaller pale one, where he had been guiding it up and down on his cock. He took his hand off of Sebastian’s and flushed. “Sorry…”

“For the last time, just hold it, don’t jack it off, Sebastian.” Leah huffed.

“It wasn’t my fault! You saw, he put his hand over mine!” Sebastian exclaimed.

“Just lay still, you two.” Leah sighed. “It’s not that hard!”

“I don’t know, feels pretty hard to me.” Sebastian smirked, squeezing.

“Sebby…” Sam whimpered.

Leah groaned. “Just behave, okay?” She began blocking in the colours, painting as fast as she could, since there was no way these two would manage to stay posed for very long.

“I’m bored.” Sam complained after a few minutes. “Can we at least eat the pizza while you paint?”

“No.” Leah rolled her eyes. “The whole point is that you stay still.”

“But it’s boring!”

“I could amuse you…” Sebastian offered, slowly rubbing his hand up Sam’s shaft.

“None of that!”

Sam sighed.

After a few more minutes of blessed silence, she got the colours blocked in and started to work on the details. The hands were definitely going to be important to paint while she had the boys still; why did fingers have to be so damn difficult? The small details were always the worst…

Sam whimpered softly, and her head jerked up. “For fuck’s sake, you two!”

Sebastian shrugged guiltily. “It’s hard not to play with it when it’s in my hand.” He dragged his fingers slowly up the thick shaft.

“Just put your hand back to where it’s supposed to be, okay? I need that for reference.”

Sebastian rubbed his hand down it and gently cupped Sam’s balls, eliciting a gasp from his friend. “Like this?”

“You know that’s not where I asked you to put it, you acorn.”

“This is more comfortable.” He stroked his thumb across them. “My hand doesn’t fit around his dick.”

Sam was starting to breathe a bit heavily.

“You’re just going to have to do your best,” Leah told him sternly. “Put your hand back. No more moving your hands.”

Sebastian sighed. “Fine.”

The good part about working on the hands was that she could at least keep a close eye on them, she supposed.

She finished Sebastian’s hand fairly easily – miraculously, he kept it where it was supposed to be the entire time. She held up the end of her brush in an outstretched arm, using it to double check the proportions of the hand. Ugh, the fingers on her canvas looked like sausages. Well, hopefully Sandy didn’t mind. On the topic of sausages, she’d better not keep her gaze off those boys for too long…

She peeked around her canvas. Sebastian hadn’t moved his hand, for once, but he did move the rest of his body - practically on top of Sam, too, with his lips crushed against the other boy’s.

“Are you fucking serious? Stop making out!”

Sebastian broke their kiss. “What? You said don’t move my hand. It’s still here, see?” He waggled Sam’s cock back and forth like a joystick.

“I also said to stay still, you absolute almond!” She seethed.

“Sorry.” Sebastian grinned.

“Get back into your positions, and don’t let me catch you hazelnuts moving again.” Leah glared at them, then turned back to her paints. Of course, she didn’t expect them to stay still. Clearly these two peanuts weren’t actually capable of listening.

She glanced at them out of the corner of her eye. Sebastian had not gone back to his position at all, and instead had placed one hand over Sam’s mouth, moving the other one slowly up and down Sam’s cock while Sam writhed underneath him. Judging by the grin Sebastian had, he enjoyed tormenting his friend – he looked delighted at the faces Sam was making under his hand.

Leah had to admit – she was enjoying it, too. It was too bad Emily and Sandy weren’t here – she’s sure they would’ve liked to see this little show. Maybe she could arrange a repeat some time… food for thought.

Sebastian pried open Sam’s mouth and slipped two fingers into the boy’s mouth, eliciting a low whimper from Sam. They both froze, and glanced up to see if they had been caught. Leah pretended to be focused on her paints.

Sebastian slowly thrust his hand against Sam’s mouth, the other hand keeping pace on his dick, while Sam writhed underneath him, breathing heavily.

“Mmph,” Sam groaned against Sebastian’s fingers, and Sebastian froze again, glancing towards Leah and her canvas. “Seb!” Sam hissed in a muffled whisper, “Stop or I’ll-”

“Okay!” Leah sighed, standing up. “Stop, stop. This has gone far enough.”

Sebastian pulled his fingers out of Sam’s mouth. “It’s-”

“Shush, you.” Leah shook a finger at him. “That’s enough. Clearly you two are utterly incapable of being still near each other and I’m going to need a different plan.” She cocked her head to the side. “And I think I might just have one.”

“Which is…?” Sebastian looked at her suspiciously.

“I’ll let you guys finish… if I can record you doing it.”

“Oka-!”

Sebastian slapped his hand back down over Sam’s mouth. “Not so fast, Sam. Record us and do what with it?”

“Share it with Emily and Sandy.” Leah admitted. “But just those two.”

Sam pulled Sebastian’s hand off of his face. “I mean, Emily’s already seen everything, so that’s not too bad, right?”

Sebastian furrowed his brows. “Fine,” he agreed. “You can film it, but only on my phone, so that I can keep - I mean, delete - it as soon as you’re done.”

“Yesss!” Leah clapped her hands together. “Oh man, they’re going to love this. Uh, one other thing - Sam, I’m just gonna draw a few quick tattoos on you.” She clapped her hands together, then glanced around the room. “Now, where did I put my markers…”

“There’s a box on that shelf over there,” Sam supplied helpfully - or maybe he was just eager to get back to what they’d been doing.

Leah glanced at the shelf in question. “Those are copics you macadamia nut! I’m not wasting my copics on some amateur gay porn!”

“It is not gay porn,” Sebastian argued, “it’s… it’s art, or whatever. Besides, everyone knows gay porn is just a bunch of straight dudes doing it for the pizza.”

Leah resisted the urge to retort that Sebastian sure seemed to know a lot about gay porn for a ‘straight’ dude. Instead, she reached for a permanent marker that had been haphazardly thrown in with her tubes of paint.

“Um, can you use a washable marker, maybe?” Sam asked as Leah approached him. “My mom says I’m not allowed to get any tattoos until I move out, and Sebastian and I can’t afford that yet.”

“Relax,” Leah instructed, as she began to draw in Alex Hardwood’s runes, starting with the most recognizable one - the large ‘Z’ on his neck. “Just wear a turtleneck.”

Sam sighed. “I don’t own a turtleneck.”

“Not my problem,” Leah replied, as she worked her way down Sam’s toned body with her marker. He didn’t really have the right hair colour for the character, but she couldn’t do much about that. Sebastian at least had the right hair for Magnum Bone, even if it wasn’t quite in his signature style.

She stood back after she finished drawing the last rune, admiring her work. “Now, Sebastian… how do I use your phone?”

“Don’t tell me you don’t know how to use a cellphone,” Sebastian said, as he rolled his eyes. “Here, let me-”

“Woah, I didn’t say you could get up,” Leah interrupted, as Sebastian moved to climb off the bed. “Get back in position; I’ve got this.”

Leah definitely did not have this. She didn’t even own a cellphone - her little cabin still had a landline. It couldn’t be that hard, Leah thought, as she fished Sebastian’s phone out of the back pocket of his jeans. She tapped the little button on the front, and then frowned.

“Just swipe to get to the camera,” Sebastian said. “Don’t bother with the pin, you’re just gonna lock my phone.”

“Swipe what?” Leah asked. “It’s not doing anything.”

“The camera icon,” Sebastian replied, already beginning to sound exasperated. “Swipe the camera icon. Then hold the red circle to record.”

Leah swiped. “It just brings me back to the lock screen?”

“Just hand it to me, please?” Sebastian sighed. “I’ll do it.”

“No, I can do it.” Leah tried swiping again, starting from the camera image this time. “I got it!” She pointed the phone at the boys, and pressed the white circular button in the center.

The camera flashed rapidly. “No, fuck, for the love of Yoba that’s not record! You’re just taking a burst shot! Stop holding the button, you’re going to use all the memory!”

Leah stopped. “You said hold the circle! What the fungi is a burst shot?”

“The red circle, Leah!” Sebastian exclaimed. “There’s a little red circle to the side.”

She peered at it. “Oh.” Leah aimed the camera at them again and tried the red circle. “Ha! Told you I got it. Okay, now you can continue.”

“Finally!” Sebastian huffed. He climbed on Sam, straddling the other boy’s legs, and stroked his hand down Sam’s shaft. “Now, where were we?”

“Uh,” Sam gasped, “I, uh- FUCK, Seb!” He grasped Sebastian’s arms, convulsing as he came.

“Dude!” Sebastian looked down. “You- you came on your own face!”

“Sam, you little shiitake mushroom!” Leah exclaimed. “Now what am I supposed to film? That was only five seconds!”

Sam blushed bright red. “Sorry!”

The camera was still recording, and Leah wasn’t about to let another present go to waste. “Well, Sebastian, I suppose you better start licking that off.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emily, Sandy, Elliott and Leah are gonna be real disappointed when Shadehunters gets cancelled after season three.


End file.
